The Crowbar Master
by Admiral Godunov
Summary: Delivery for Xemnas! Sign here and here and here and here and initial there.


You think your job sucks? I bet mine is even worse. My name is Elizabeth Reynolds. (No, not like the plastic baggy company, you morons.) And I am an interuniversal UPS delivery woman.

Now, I know what you're thinking: 'oh... that doesn't sound so bad. What's an interuniversal UPS whateveritis?'

I'll tell you right now: I take packages from one universe to the next. Most of the time, it's bundles of love letters to famous pretty boys who probably masturbate to pictures of themselves, and other various gifts. Yes, someone did once send their virginity to Sephiroth (don't ask) and _I _was the one who had to deliver it, and believe me, that was _quite _the adventure.

Before you ask, I can't divulge his address. Sorry. Privacy clause and all.

Once more, I know what you're thinking: 'omg u get 2 meat all uf mi fave ppl!!'. And you're right, I do. Now you probably want my job, but let me tell you again, it sucks.

Don't believe me? Then I'll take last week's 'incident' as example.

I knew it was going to be _one of those days_ when I clock in and the first thing I see is a group of my coworkers shooting looks at me and whispering things to each other. At this point, I was thinking 'great, I get to deliver another virginity', but alas, as I would find out, it was something much worse. My optimism slowly on the downfall, I continued back towards the assignment room to pick up my clipboard and my assignments for the day. Of course, my optimism hit a nose-dive when I looked at my assignments and the only thing it said was 'see Mr. Larson'.

Lovely. Time to talk to the boss.

Slowly, I trudged back through the office part of the building, ignoring the giggles and stares that followed me along the way. Of course everyone knew something I _didn't_.

Finally, I reached the office of one 'Mr. Larson', and approached his secretary, who immediately sent me in. That was never good. Was I being fired? Six years on the job and -poof-, just like that I'm out? My sarcasm giving way to unease, I settled myself into one of the ridiculously comfortable chairs set in front of the large, dark desk. Mr. Larson finished straightening a stack of papers before meeting me eye to eye.

"Now, Ms. Reynolds," he said, his deep bass rumble of a voice filling the room. "You probably think you're here because you're in some sort of trouble. Let me assure you this is not so."

I mentally breathed a sigh of relief. That was one bullet dodged.

"I have called you in here today because we have recently received a package of the utmost... interest," he continued, pale green eyes searching my face for sign of reaction. Something glimmered in humor within them, which means the disgust I was feeling wasn't doing a good job at hiding.

You see, this is _exactly _the same thing he said just before I delivered that virginity to Sephiroth two years prior.

"Now, there's several problems with this package. The first is that it's large and heavy. The second is that no one is quite sure where you're going."

I blinked at him, my mind not quite working anymore. How do you deliver a package that no one knows where it's going to?

"Well, I shouldn't say that. We know what universe you have to go in, but all of our searching within it has come up empty as to the specific location. However, given the sender's... adamance for having this parcel delivered, we have no choice but to send you to figure it out yourself."

Reason number one why you don't want my job: interuniversal travel is not a precise science. Sometimes you really do have to do some detective-ing to figure out where you need to drop something. It's really aggravating.

"So, uh, what is this thing?"

My boss smirked. That wasn't a good sign. "A heart."

"...eh?" I cocked an eyebrow and leaned back in my seat. "Whaddya mean a heart? That's _it_?"

"That's all the information we received on it," my boss sighed.

"It's a large package, but it's a heart?"

Mr. Larson nodded.

I sighed. "So, what universe am I to be schlepped off to?"

He smiled. "I knew you would do it. The place is Kingdom Hearts. You've been there before."

I thought about it. Oh yeah, that was way back in the day when I first joined, fresh out of college with no money and no degree. The second thing I was sent to deliver was some sort of special breed of dog food to this unnecessarily cartoony castle. Oh, but did I have fun whacking around those stupid shadow things with my crowbar.

The boss stood up then, and I followed him. He led me back to the warehouse, where I laid eyes upon my parcel. It was indeed a large crate, probably about six feet tall, and about four feet in all other directions. I sighed and held the clipboard out to the Errands Master (at least, that's what we call him. I don't even know his real job title), and he registered the package as under my care until delivered.

My boss nodded and slapped me on the back, a bit harder than he'd probably meant to and I stumbled forward a step.

"I wish you good luck!"

I grumbled something about places where he could shove that good luck as I walked away, grabbing my clipboard irritably from the hands of the Errands Master and walking over to the crate. I punched a number into the keypad on my clipboard, and the large crate disappeared.

What? You didn't actually think I'd have to _carry _anything did you? What, do you live in the twenty first century or something like that? Jeesh.

I grumbled and made my way to my interuniversal UPS delivery ship. She was the only thing I really liked about this job because she was mine. Outside was just another UPS ship, inside it was different, the cockpit and quarters bearing a distinctly 'me' flavor to them with their dark, pastel colors. That and she was customized to be able to fit my custom fifteen terabyte MP3 player in all of its forms, as both a music player and a video player. Yes, fifteen terabytes, a bit low but it was all I could afford. We don't make a whole bunch of money.

I settled myself into the driver's seat and attached the clipboard to the... thing that attaches to the clipboards, and the location of the universe was set into the ship's computer navigation thing. Don't ask me, I didn't go to school to be a rocket engineer. I originally went to be a psychologist.

Whatever the case, the ship hummed to life and I eased it out of the garage (something that, to this day, I can not figure out why they won't let the ships take themselves off). When in proper 'not close to the delivery center' range, I put it on auto-pilot, turned on the MP3 player, leaned back in my seat, and attempted to fall asleep. I figured that if this was going to be anything like the last time, I would need as much rest and patience as I had in me to give.

And my hunch proved true as three _weeks_, not hours, not days, three _weeks_ later, I was trudging down some random pathway in the middle of fucking _nowhere_. No joke. It was a well-worn dirt path in the middle of rolling green hills and the occasional tree. My MP3 player's battery had died the other day, and my ship wasn't responding to the beacon I kept sending out on the hour every hour.

Of course, all of this contributed to me being a bit cranky. And I'm not pleasant when I'm cranky. The only thing I could listen to was the slow crunch of my feet on the dirt, and the light thunk every time my crowbar would hit the back of my shin (I'd taken to carrying it on my person when I figured out the very shadows in this world wanted to eat my heart. It made an effective weapon, if I do say so myself). And yanno, at about this point, I could've gone for about three dozen of them to jump out right now, just so I could vent my rage.

And wouldn't ya know it, just as the sun was going down I hit a crossroads. Here I was, in the middle of East Bumblefuck, at least four days' travel from the nearest town, without any sort of directions as to where I wanted to go.

Fuck this.

And that's probably reason number two why you don't want my job: you have to walk a lot. Most places just aren't accessible by ship or truck.

I blinked and looked at both of the possible directions. Damned if you do, or Damned if you don't.

Finally, I just sighed and laid down on the grass, unvacuuming and unfolding my tent and sleeping bag, determined to get sleep for the not and not care until the morning what happened.

I woke up to a misty morning fog that had descended upon my place of rest. It would just have to be fog, wouldn't it? I hit the vac-seal on my tent and the whole thing sucked itself back into a little 3x3 square that fit neatly in my pants pocket. Ah the wonders of technology. From there, I flipped open my cell phone (I seriously loved these cell phones. They got reception anywhere and had a battery life of at least six months) and dialed the one number I probably should have a long time ago. See, I had just figured out that this universe fit into a cluster of universes from the video game genre, and I had a huge gaming fan for a friend.

"Hello?" came the groggy voice. It must've been before noon.

"I have a question. What do you know about Kingdom Hearts?"

My friend laughed, his voice still thick with sleep. "What _don't_ I know."

"Great. You know how to get to... uh..." I reached into another pocket of mine and pulled out my notepad. It always helped to carry one of those around. "Castle... Oblivion? Or... Jesus what a name... The Castle That Never Was?"

A long pause. "What?"

"I'm looking for the... Organization. I have a package for some guy named Xemnas."

Another long pause. "No _way_. Well, the way to the Castle That Never Was is... uh... you have to go through Twilight Town through the hidden basement computer room and-"

"Ok, that's out. I don't even know where Twilight Town is and my ship has run away from me."

"Uh... well... Oblivion.. I uh..."

"Look, maybe if I tell you where I am you'll understand. I'm standing in the middle of a giant green field on a path that goes on for-fucking-ever. I just came to a split in the path. Do you know which way to go?"

"Uh... shit. That's Chain of Memories, I haven't played that in a while. I think you take the right one... let me check really quick," the ambient sound of my friend rolling himself out of bed and stumbling around filled the earpiece of the phone, until several clicks later, I heard a grunt of triumph. "Ha! I win again. Yeah. Go right. Oh, do you want me to send you the information on that universe through your phone?"

I thought about that for a moment. No, that would be _too convenient_. "Yeah." That was going to backfire somewhere down the line. I knew it. It was too easy and convenient not to.

A moment later, I was surfing through some of the oddest text I'd ever seen and learning some very contradictory things while nibbling on breakfast. Like this Organization I was supposed to be finding and this Xemnas guy I needed to give this fucking parcel to were Nobodies. Something about a shell left over when a heart was stolen or something. I don't know either. And apparently, they didn't exist. Which just grated on my nerves something awful. I was _not _about to deliver a package into someone's mind. No. That was for ten year plus veterans, and I'd only been with UPS for six. Don't force _that shit _on me. It's bad enough I have to deliver these stupid abstract things like 'virginity' and 'a heart'. All I could think of... was that they _better _fucking exist or I'm going home _now_.

After my morning meal I was up and walking... ok, stomping angrily, down the path my friend had said I should travel down (still reading stuff from my phone), and was surprised to find that before eight hours of walking had even passed, the scenery shifted dramatically. The sky became dark prematurely, and the ground had shifted from grass and a path to some sort of obnoxiously sparkly sand-like substance. The path was still generally clear, so I just followed it, even after it seemed like the edge of the world was creeping closer and closer to where I was walking, until it was little more than a tiny sand bridge over some _huge fucking abyss_.

If I fell in... ooo boy the insurance companies would hear about that from my ghost.

Finally, an object _loomed _into view. I kid you not, it just sort of floated into existence somewhere ahead of me, and as I went closer I found the strangest building I've ever seen in my life. Seriously. Green roof, yellow everything else, and towers and spikes jutting out at the most awkward angles I've ever seen in my life. It looked like someone had let some random person with a pointy object fetish design their castle.

I approached the door wearily, and knocked, not surprised when it opened seemingly without outside influence. Great. Were the Nobodies ghosts or something? I reached behind my back and lightly fingered the crowbar, knowing full well how ridiculous something solid like a crowbar would be as defense against something spectral like a ghost.

Well, it was either they were ghosts or they really liked to creep people out. I was betting on the second option, and if that was their only scare tactic, then they _really _needed some work.

I didn't enter the castle, I stood there in front of the door like a good UPS delivery person and waited for them to come to me. After a moment, I knocked again, and called into the vast, white hallway. "Delivery from UPS!"

A long pause followed, until finally the owner or master or lord or maybe just a servant of the castle stepped into my vision from some random swirling black mass (whatever he was, he made me want to laugh aloud with its fashion statement of: oo I'm intimidating! I wear a black cloak like Every Other Bad Guy).

I was scared then.

Not.

A deep, well enunciated voice sounded from the Stereotypically Dark And Enigmatic Cloaked Being then, not what I was expecting from some guy with preposterously layered _pink _hair. "What is it you wanted?" A pity. I was expecting at least a gay lisp out of him.

"I said I'm from UPS, and I have a delivery for Xemnas."

The man walked over to me, trying to use his imposing six-foot-something stature to intimidate me. It didn't work, I think the pink hair threw off the intimidation. (And... you know, now that I think about it, I've never seen a man with lips that red naturally before.)

"Xemnas is not here," he stated simply, leaning back just enough to give me some personal space. My frayed patience was wearing dangerously close to snapping. "I figured as much. Do you know how I might reach him?"

"Not through any means one with a heart might accomplish. However, if you'll let me-"

I cut him off then, snarling in anger, my hand lashing out quick as a snake and pinching his cheek _hard_. I used the small handle of his flesh to pull his face down to my level before I began shaking him, one shake for every syllable I said. "I. Am. Here. With. A. Pack. Age. For. Xem. Nas. I. Know. You. Stu. Pid. No. Bo. Dies. Can. Te. Le. Port. From. Place. To. Place. Open. Up. A. Fuck. Ing. Por. Tal. To. The. World. That. Nev. Er. Was. Or. Your. Life. Will. Become. Very. Difficult."

My hand released his face and he drew back, blinking at me in surprise as he rubbed his abused cheek, a dark portal swirling open behind him. He nodded towards it, and I walked forward, smiling pleasantly and patting him on the hand covering his cheek as I walked past. I even began whistling a merry little tune before stepping into the darkness.

I emerged on the other side in some...

I don't know _what _to call it. It looked like a graveyard. Twelve of what looked like tombstones sat in neatly arranged rows for my viewing pleasure in the room while an awkward blue and red miasma leaked from the area and drained into a grate at the edge of the room. I blinked in confusion before looking about, trying to figure out which of these things lead to where I wanted to go. I pulled out my phone and was just about to start rifling through files on the World That Never Was, when footsteps behind me grabbed my attention.

I spun around, clipboard at the ready, my hand itching to grab the crowbar. Some... scrawny... guy of some sort who didn't look much older than I was (though he had gray streaks in his hair, what the hell) was making his way towards me, the eye not blocked by an eyepatch narrowed in inquiry. I straightened, thinking perhaps now my luck would change and he'd be able to point me in the right direction.

"Hello, I am from UPS. I have a delivery here for Xemnas," I said, and the man looked decently surprised. Perfect. That means he knew who I was talking about.

But just as soon as my hope welled up, it died a cruel death at the hands of fate as the man threw a highly dramatic shrug and shook his head. "I don't know where he is. But I do know that you, young lady, just walked right into a stronghold full of men. Don't worry, though. I'll protect you."

Insert lecherous grin here.

TWANG!

Hear that? That's the sound of my patience breaking.

SMASHTHUD.

Hear that? That's the sound of a lech's jaw meeting the business end of a large, heavy-duty crowbar hard enough to pick his scrawny body up and send him flying into a wall.

The sounds of conflict faded into the sounds of laughter and applause from somewhere behind me, and I turned to look into the graveyard at a pair of blonde men (one of which had the most _ludicrous _hair style I've ever seen since I was browsing through my great-great-great grandpa's photos of 1986). My crowbar immediately came up into an aggressive position, but both of the men backed down, hands up in surrender.

"Wooow! I haven't seen Xigbar go down that fast since the night he got drunk and Larxene caught him wearing her underwear on his head!" the smaller of the two continued to laugh, shaking his head.

The taller blonde did another slow clap, before pitching his head towards the large, white globe structure sitting at the top of the room. "If you're looking for Xemnas, he's at the Alter of Naught."

... The Organization's a cult? Well I'll be damned. That would explain the dresscode and the nonexistence thing.

"Well," I forced out, trying all the while to act like I hadn't just spent the last three and a half weeks trudging about and getting nowhere. "If you gentlemen could kindly point me the route up there or perhaps fetch him down here, I have a large parcel I need him to sign and pay for. Unless one of you would like to take the responsibility."

Both men paled, and the smaller one spoke first, head shaking violently. "No no no! Xemnas'd skin us alive for that. He likes his packages taken to him."

Goody, more walking.

The young man shrugged, before pointing at the globe. "The Altar of Naught's up through there."

I eyed the globe suspiciously, before walking up to it and tapping it with my crowbar. It sounded like I was hitting solid rock. "So how do you open this?"

The two men exchanged a look, and the older one finally spoke. "You... don't. You teleport in."

Well, there went what was left of my strength. I collapsed to my knees with a sob that fairly well released all of the frustration and anger and everything else in one motion before I just collapsed on the cold ground, my feet and my head and my stomach all aching horribly. "Just kill me now. Please."

"We've been told not to kill the delivery people."

"Yeah well, I just sorta want to not exist right now," I mumbled into the ground, eyes focusing on everything and nothing at once.

"No you don't," the younger of the two males said then, his voice deeper and calmer and everything it _hadn't_ been less than two minutes ago.

"What is the matter with teleporting? You just did so a second ago," the elder spoke, his English accent quite pronounced now that I thought about it.

"That wasn't my doing. I bullied some pink haired guy in some other castle into taking me here," I replied dully, watching the pointer finger of my right hand twitch. When had I picked up a tic?

Silence reigned for a moment, and then... "She's not a Nobody?" Followed by fervent whispers.

"Alright, fine. I'll do it," the younger man's voice sounded. "Come on now... please get up. Your errand will be done soon enough, see?"

I looked up in time to watch him sweep his hand through the air, and for a mass of purple and black to come into being in its wake. Slowly, stiffly, tiredly, I stood up and trudged towards the last dark thingy I'd probably ever have to step through. And even if I didn't, I'd take the stairs.

"They better give me a raise after this. And I am so taking vacation," I mumbled to no one in particular as I stepped through. Indeed, through the portal was my final destination, and almost instinctively, I sent out a beacon for my lost ship, hoping it could find me in this weird ass place.

The other side of the portal happened to be a very circular arena that was probably the top of a tower. To the opposite side of the platform stood a man that the word 'cowlick' just couldn't quite do justice to. His hair looked like some threesome of baby cows had tried suckling off different sides of his head and the hair stayed like that. He was busy, it seemed, staring at the moon. Well, I also use moon in a relative term. It was this bulbous yellowy orange thing that looked like it may or may not have been trying to be a heart.

Without wasting any more time, I stepped forward, clipboard in one hand, and I cleared my throat to get his attention.

No luck. Of course.

I tried it again, louder.

What little patience had managed to retie itself was broken again.

"Hey, are you deaf or just dumb?" I snipped. The man didn't seem phased, but a noise from behind me alerted me to the fact it wasn't just the two of us up here. I sighed and stomped forward, my poor, blistered, aching feet screaming in pain every step of the way, until I was face to back with him.

In one smooth motion, my crowbar was drawn, and in one decidedly _quick_ motion I had jabbed it into his side, just below his ribs, right about where his kidneys _should _be.

_That_ got his attention, and he whirled around. But before he could do anything, the crowbar was on him again, slamming into his jaw hard enough to shut his teeth with a pronounced clack, before sliding back and pressing up against where his jaw met his neck. I knew it wasn't a comfortable position. I knew I shouldn't be treating a customer like this. I knew I should give a flying backwards monkey fuck. But I didn't. I was beyond caring. I wanted to go home, put my feet in a nice hot soak, take a shower, and sleep like a human being. And I wanted to get away from these creepy fucking Nobodies.

I shoved my clipboard into Xemnas' hands, letting it go as he clumsily grabbed for it. "Sign for the fucking package, shit stain. Put your pin in, too, so we can bill you."

I stepped backwards, the witheringly flat look I seemed to have adopted still riding proudly across my face. Xemnas didn't argue, he just did it. He just did what was asked of him. I snatched the clipboard violently from his hands and typed a code into the keyboard at the top of it. A moment later, the crate just _appeared_ in the middle of the arena, and I held my crowbar up.

"I'll help open this."

It wasn't a request. If he wanted to save the box for a special occasion he was _shit out of luck_. I slammed the hooked end of the crowbar into the wood, not caring that splinters went flying, before pushing up and listening as the nails creaked and finally slid out. I repeated the process twice to all the sides but the bottom, before climbing on top of the crate and sticking the flat end of the crowbar in, levering the wooden opening before the thing finally just fell open. Curious, I leaned over the edge and peered upside-down into the crate.

"... What the fuck...?"

Inside was another man. Well, it looked like a man. In fact, it looked remarkably like the man in the black coat standing but a half dozen feet in front of me, Epic Cowlicks and all.

"Well... if that's your... heart. I suppose I'm heading off now," I growled, not looking forward to the however long I would have to walk to get to the nearest town so I could call my ship.

And then was when it happened. The loud 'vwooshing' noise of an engine sounded, and right up next to the tower, my ship stopped, 'UPS' proudly displayed in tan font on the side of her otherwise drab brown hull.

I actually started crying for joy, laughing hysterically even as I sobbed and frankly, from the look that passed over the mens' faces that were standing there (wouldn't ya know it there was like five of them), they were quite confused and a little worried they might have to actually deal with an emotional female. Funny, I'd have thought they'd never seen one before.

I _ran _to my ship, flying up the stairs and into the cockpit. I slammed the auto-pilot on, retreated back into the rear quarters and slept through the entire trip home, and then some. I was _so _getting a fucking raise. Or a promotion. Or at least a four month long vacation for this.

Now, you still want my job? You want to have to wander around in a place you've never been to before for three weeks, with nothing to eat by dehydrated space food? You want to endure the blisters gained and the frustration of not knowing where you're going because your company won't get its head out of its ass like DHL and invest in some long-range tracking equipment?

All for the chance to meet a bunch of characters that won't care about you for more than thirty seconds while you give them what they want? Believe me. They won't let you hang around for very long before they get worried you're a fangirl and try to shoo you out.

You'd really do all that?

Well then. Please leave all your hopes and expectations at the door, they'll do you no good now. Prepare for some long walking hours and even longer flying hours, stupid coworkers and customers, and impossible work schedules. And most of all, keep smiling.

Welcome to UPS InterUniversal.

-

A/N: God, this story idea spawned from so many different places, but I think the big kicker was something about me thinking 'well, if Luxord can manipulate time the way he's supposed to (the way all time elementals do), then why doesn't he just take all of the Nobodies back to the moment they lost their hearts and just let them get it back?'

Anyway, it's just a silly little one-shot. Don't take it too seriously or even think it was written at 100 ability. If I made you smile, though, my mission is accomplished.

Read and Review if you feel so inclined.


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